We hadn’t gotten the cards out for a while. Maybe because life had been on cruise control and Drama was sleeping in the backseat.
Duke sifted through them first. These “I think, I feel, I am” cards have statements/drawings on them. Some good. Some bad. But all real.
Then, he asked me to pick the cards that described how I felt. This was a strange role reversal, but okay.
I waded into the cards trying to pick out the thoughts and feelings that described me at that very moment. Duke looked over my shoulder at the few I picked out. “I have dreams.” ”I feel determined.” But then he stopped. Worried, he read, “I feel lost” and with sadness/scarcity in his eyes, he asked, “Why do you feel lost?”
I tried to explain that I wasn’t actually lost – I just feel lost because I don’t know where my life is going.
Instantly, Eloise jumped into the conversation, equally worried. “Are we not going to be in Bend?? Are we moving? What do you mean, you don’t know?…”
“Guys. Don’t worry. We’re not going anywhere.” This was spiraling faster than their excessive toothpaste application. What mess had I created from trying to be f*ing honest?! Sheesh.
I backpedaled in an attempt to reassure them. And because they’re kids and incredibly resilient, the moment moved on.
But the conversation lingered with me for days afterwards. Do other 30-somethings feel this way? Or does everyone actually have five/ten/twenty year plans AND follow through with them?
It’s like those life insurance commercials that look so shiny, but make you feel like crap, because you think everyone else is prepared. They seem to have it all together. Except you. And the fear is what the insurance company is betting on.
Because fear is a very real feeling.
Which brings us back to feeling lost. Not knowing what the future holds is a scary, scary thought. Not knowing where the road leads or what dangers lie ahead is extremely unnerving. The unknown. The unpredictability. The mystery. It’s no wonder magic 8 balls are so popular! We just want an answer.
And yet, there is something about being lost that makes you incredibly aware. Heightened senses. Physically and spiritually attuned. Which makes me wonder, what if feeling lost is the very place where God meets us? What if it’s only then, that we can fully trust him?
Maybe, just maybe, feeling lost is exactly where I’m supposed to be. Taking one step at a time. Trusting in the now. Not (very) anxious about the future.